No matter how much preparation I think I have done, there is always something bigger and more corporate than me, with the authority to make things horrible if I don't obey. They constantly change the bar such that what was a safety net is unattainable. The bureaucracy whittles at each step to achieve their desired level of attrition.
I needed another tool.
The trifold states of CURIOSITY, FOCUS, or REFLECTION
During times of great and terrible sadness, I reflected on what it would look like if I could somehow miraculously be grateful. In my mind's imager I modeled what a grateful person might think or say in order to channel endless gratitude in the face of loss. As much as I wavered between the two, I could not hold both at once. And so I spent as much time each day as I could in gratitude to give my sadness muscle a rest.
Similarly, an accidental discovery came about at a desperate time; my mother died and I was already showing severe syptoms of the tumor without knowing why, and could not control the bad thoughts that began to edge in… even kitten videos made me cry, and all my go-to's hadn't prepared me for this. after days of crying, something caught my attention on the web, and helped me stop. Whatever it was caused my jaw to drop in awe, a natural beauty of some sort, no doubt -- and for some brief time I was curious -- a respite from the constant, smothering hopelessness -- enough that my mind had the tiniest leg up. The multidimensional anger melted in the face of anything that showed me I was the dark hurricane at the moment, the yang eye, yes -- but that meant I was surrounded by yin if I could adjust my focus to see.
SADNESS =/= GRATITUDE
ANGER =/= ABUNDANCE
FEAR =/= WONDER
The field research was consistent, any time I realized my fear was running the show, I immediately changed focus to wonders of the world, unlikely animal cooperation and friendship, awe-insiring scenery, and beings of all kinds doing amazing and talented things. The perspective shift was enough to work me through what I already know, that everything is impermanent, and in a long enough life many tragedies can fall. This is why I know to keep adding new sources of joy and fulfillment, and to carry on the way the women in my family line have done for centuries. Perseverado!
The same thing happened when I realized the abundance was poorly represented in my mind. When I paid attention, I noticed it was inversely proportional to my temper, but at first I excused it as lack driving the emotion. Regardless of not having answered my query, whenever anger was becoming an obstacle to effectively guiding my day, I ask myself what is missing, that would bring me a feeling of abundance? The answer is always different, but it seems to take me out of the angry lane and let me focus on what was around me, and it was magical how often I would find that solutions to problems would just appear, sometimes be in my hands already when needed. Some people say you see what you look for.
When I find myself thinking how I literally missed out on something that would have bettered my life, I force myself to think of times when things could have been much worse, or even near accidents I have escaped (there have been many). Seeing the balance of it all leaves me with a bigger picture: one much less designed to make me miserable personally, but leaves everyone sucking in general. But this was only to give myself space to process, to deal, so I could come to terms with the source of the sadness, the fear, the anger.
If they are not dealt with, the wounds will be back.
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