It has been said that an inability to SEE a way out is what leads to suffering. The prescription thus far has been to just tough it out, just keep at it, hang on. Some of us have conditions that require consideration outside others’ experience. It is indeed no simple task to find ways of healing for people who don’t fit into neat boxes. Neither is there any scarcity of vague palliatives or specific inapplicable advice. We are missing arms, legs, parts of our memories, the ability to pee normally; we are on the fluid scale of skills, abilities, and identities. We live with less stability and more variety than most. We care about growing as people and being a part of a community, but not at the expense of our souls. We are used to not being loved, but forgotten. We get no validation, and little to no representation.
Perseverance isn’t what I call it. That implies both choice and effort. We employ neither. Give up or don’t, we don’t get to leave. We don’t get to stop. There is nowhere else to go when doctors and spirits fail. Mom used to say, when I got mad or sad, that I had the same clothes to get glad in. That is a deeper statement than appears on the surface. The Legend of Kung Fu mentions a cloak, a metaphor of psychological health protocols. This is for those who would move more comfortably, more confidently, more freely in this world not made for us; to use our minds and our lives in ways that expand our ability to interact with the things we choose… and things we didn’t.
Give up a false sense of security for a true sense of identity.
MAKING YOUR CLOAK Just like any article made by hand, there are a few general things to think about: A pattern, materials, tools, and care instructions for after. Making something as crucial as a cloak for long term travel requires much due diligence on all three. These ideas must collaborate to be functional FOR you and sustainable BY you. When you have picked a pattern, you must select a proper fabric for the job. You must also consider the care required as appropriate. The least exciting parts are also the most important to your success.
As a person with some sense, I was confident that given enough opportunities and enough doctors, someone would be able/ interested in helping me as I was others; alas, the disappointment after years of searching carved hollow places in my soul. I exhausted the lists of phone numbers, resources, and oh, the specialists! The best! Top in their field, yet had no idea what to do with me, and so they shrugged their shoulders — and still got to go back to their homes and families. My efforts to stay working failed. The resources to help those like me were for other people, never for me. Must be a drug addict for this program, must be a male for that one. Years on wait lists.
So I follow the trails to the sources of the incompetence, the failure, the misguidance. While I ask better questions, I arrive at the lowest common denominator by realizing that my somatic organism feels endangered, and fears death — sounds simple, yet took so long — and not only were authorities NOT concerned, they had many expectations of my performance! It is easy for people to overlook that many people are working under wounded conditions, operating from wake to sleep in auto mode because lots of things are asked — no, demanded — of us, things that are counterintuitive, non-supportive, and often harmful.
This undertaking takes more than blind work, it takes understanding of the elements in action. Tailors craft using the most effective combination of fabric, grain or weave, thread, which stitch, accessories, and purpose. And so it is in this way, partly by pattern and partly improvised by you, that your cloak takes shape. Rejoice! There are many resources, and the tools are few. Sew confidently in the direction of your dreams.
WHEN TO CUT, WHEN TO STITCH, WHEN TO WASH In the spirit of our metaphor, these are the tools in my kit that never fail to move me forward. There are many other terrific implements that I have picked up along the way, specialized to my situation and even invented by me, but these could replace them all. They’ve been my patch kit for years.
Do The Next Indicated Thing (Victoria Moran),
Do Something Else (Tony Robbins), (NOT the same thing) and
Try Not Doing It All At Once (Tony Robbins).
At first they may seem like beige versions of the same idea. They will feel very different in practice. Each time I’m spiraling down, I find I have violated one or more of them. They are engines that shake doldrums and elevate from ruts. When you feel stuck, use another. The simplicity might not impress you, but the flip of it means flexibility. Those of us who suffer from certain attacks just want to hide until we feel normal. In a haste or panic, these can facilitate your focus.
Remember to be kind to yourself when metamorphing!!! These muscles are usually weak to catastrophically atrophied. Look at the results of your initial attempts in an after-action review to see where it went, and be honest about why. It is so very easy to throw out a new tool and very difficult to look at the effect your handling may cause. Unwind your ego, and let part of you argue against, and see what tracks, what is repeatable. As your proficiency for learning changes, some tools are being upgraded while you are tweaking others. If what you try doesn’t appear to immediately be useful, be patient and start with tasks that can stack a few in the win column to get your momentum going (Tony Robbins).
TEN+ PATTERN SUGGESTIONS The great thing about having a list like this is that your interests and skills change over time, the list will also seem to change and offer variety when it is just your perception, as with a movie you view again after time, seeing with a new set of perspectives. Some resources are older than I am … but stand to every test I have put on them.
ONE – The ONE thing, from the movie City Slickers – Curly (Jack Palance) says life is about ONE thing, you just have to figure it out for yourself. Identify a simple core driving concept and it informs your smaller choices. Robert Downey Jr., in an interview, describes an acting tip given to him: ask, What’s my action here? By the end of the scene, lots of dialogue and events happened, but there was an idea in the beginning that fed the choices. The larger idea facilitates choosing the paths that contribute to your goal.
TWO – the Yin and Yang duality. Notice that each has a piece of the other. There are a sea of dual-natured examples to work into your cloak. It also encourages change and retooling as part of the process.
THREE – this one is appropriately a 3-fer. All were too good to leave out.
3 states of water – very helpful in envisioning emotional states for self-understanding. Changing states can avert spiraling out. People who are variously abled must learn that yes, there are moves tied to moods, which you must adapt to your abilities. Using physiology, biology, psychology… development of this mental muscle is key. It demands nothing less than your complete awareness and honesty. Even less than perfect practice yields immediate results, if you DO them. This is the fastest biofeedback result and useful in emergencies. It is also the most important, as any sewing needle not able to hold thread is a hinderance to progress. Mastery of your own thoughts and responses leads to moving forward in strength, from a place of neutrality and thoughtfulness.
3 things you can change (Tony Robbins) FOCUS, MEANING, and ACTION. These are decisions under your control. Changing the meaning I subjectively assigned to things was a TOTAL game changer. Even and especially when I was SURE that I knew I was right, I ended up being wrong sometimes. Since that is new to me, I was having a big ol' tent prayer confessional problem. Only when I was humble enough would I ask. Only when I was quiet would I hear. Only when I agreed to investigate and accept what I found, did I see. I may never truly know some meanings, and must decide how to live with that. I neutralized the unhelpful meanings I assigned using scientific concepts, and my actions became more clear. Lao Tzu says when you are one with the Tao, not a finger needs to be lifted but there is nothing left undone. It is like that.
3 things to assert your agency (Saroya Chemaly) – things to tell people when you are receiving verbal unfriendliness, as appropriate: * I just said that, * Stop interrupting me, * No explanation needed.
Being marginalized creates great crises in agency for the People. We also know in this fashion that whomever would deny us respect -- even in their verbiage to us -- cannot be expected to grant respect in their treatment of us. This includes your doctors, your loved ones, your lawmakers… Respect is shown through speech AND DEED. If you study neuro-linguistic programming, you see people are shouting all the time. Translate.
FOUR – the Four Agreements by Carlos Castaneda. Be impeccable with your word, Don’t make assumptions, Don’t take anything personally, Always do your best.
Be responsible for knowing the history of IDIOMS you use. Not only is this extremely educational, you will avoid speaking harmfully by accident. At one time I used to say “mumbo jumbo” to mean incoherent or meaningless babble. Later I thankfully learned that it is what the slavers picked up while the People were lamenting to God in their chains. I don’t say that anymore.
FIVE – Nikken Pillars of Health! write them out and keep them around!!! Healthy mind, body, family, society, finances. In that order of importance. Not just where to buttress any lack, also what to consider in your decision-making.
SIX – There are six basic human needs: Certainty, Variety, Love/Connection, the need to feel Significant, need for Growth, and to Contribute. (Robbins/Madina)
SEVEN -- Habits of Highly Effective People, by your friend and mine, Stephen Covey. Post them in your view. Learn how to look for opportunities to use these tools. Once you begin to see the payoffs, they become their own reward, and it spirals up.
8 – The Eightfold Path, by Buddha – now in stores. LOL.
This is a biggie. Lifelong lightworker stuff. When you are ready to choose growth over decay. One digestible way of working through this is getting one concept at a time, wrapping mind around it through studies, making art, skeletizing the practice… then moving to the next. The steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration.
9 – Nine Squares, by Roberta Macdonald, MS LMHC
Draw the tic tac toe chart and fill each square with a life focus: e.g., family, work, fishing. Just another way to organize what your core important matters look like. A regular check in with them can chart changes in your focus. Patterns can emerge in many places, happy and sad.
If you have difficulty narrowing them down, that says something. Limit 9.
If you have difficulty coming up with enough, also says something. Minimum 9.
ABSOLUTE /0/ (science)
Science defines this as complete entropy, as cold as it gets, no further apart for atoms to go. This is a term I use to indicate the real-life equivalent of a D&D subdual hit. It takes a player’s hit points to 0. They are not dead, but unable to act. The complication is that you have 3 chances to roll high enough to luck out of it. The game gives it to chance, but multiplies your opportunity, albeit to just 3. Danger may still harm you, and you have as much chance to fail as to succeed. This euphoria often happens after BIG blows, traumatic events that leave us senseless. The result is a full reality pause, Sherlock Holmes movie style. It is a type of steady state where all things are equally weightless.
Big pictures require a more distant perspective. Visions take development, they don’t happen on their own once born. It takes contemplation and awareness, expanding the structure in your mind, and mentally making room for new ideas to be possible, even true. For me it was that point on the hospital table, preparing for the last moment my body could possibly go without oxygen. Then those moments on the floor, in the tub, in the car, at work… right before I was sure I was dead. Did I take care of everyone? When I got really upside-down, I reminded myself the sun has come up 100% of the time so far. Sometimes I could do nothing but stare at the ceiling and wait for the tides to turn.
But they turn.
Gathering Bees takes time! — John Byrd
Patterns take time to show themselves, and can come from unexpected sources. You must put in the work to chart changes, or lack thereof. Keep re-imagining different ways to interpret the data and question the meaning you assign it. If the situation seems off when you switch the parts or players up, heed that. Keep asking better questions. Better answers lead to better decisions.
That old sign in grade schools sticks with me to this day, and now I’ve seen it’s true:
Watch your thoughts, for they become words; watch your words, for they become actions;
watch your actions, for they become your character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
SEWING CLASS IS IN This is a project whose use may not be immediately apparent until all pieces are in place, but you may enjoy putting it together and getting to know yourself. Play a Lone Wolf game series all the way through, (takes but a day!) and make your skills and disciplines into tactile pieces you enjoy. Add more visual representations for your real life training, skills, abilities, special items – you might be surprised what’s been hiding in your real toolbox you regularly overlook!
Make a Dungeons and Dragons character profile including rolling out your six traits (strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma). After playing these games out, you will learn how to put your best foot forward,assess and navigate danger, and see where your choices and chances take you. I fashioned and decorated a simple cardboard insert in my Franklin-Covey for my collection. When a life event increases or decreases any of your scores, acknowledge that!!! As you work on real skills, add more icons to represent them. Consult your toolbox while brainstorming in real situations.
But most of all … Survive. The rest is negotiable.
I’ve never known Hope when it wasn’t on a diet. – Captain John Sheridan
THE AVIATOR’S RULES in order of importance:
Aviate
Navigate
Communicate
An unexpected tertiary effect of retooling the logic machine inside us is that for much of our lives, something asked us to take bullsh*t as normal and acceptable. But once your own cause and effect is honed and you are on your way to mastering it, you will notice this is not copacetic in the real world – you must proceed slowly, developing THOSE new coping tools as you go.
Keep sharpening your questions, and facades begin to disappear, and you must then deal with the reality of some overwhelming things. It is similar to learning enough vocabulary and syntax of a new language until you can interact effectively, then realize the horrible things that people regularly say to each other.
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society. – Jiddu Krishnamurti
A variety of neuropathies, genetic predispositions, and ultimately a poor diet and/or fitness , I’d say, leaves the majority of Americans — whether naturally or artificially — deficient in true personal somatic repair, but still required to perform at work. Then you realize those millions of hurting, saddened people are in charge of heavy equipment, your government, your children… I certainly know how I feel in the morning, and have yes been in positions of responsibility while I’m in chronic pain.
As it was so well put once, people don’t seem to have permission to be old, sick, crippled, or anything but productive for the machine. The thing we are all afraid of (death, disease) happens to us all the time, but it’s expected that we push through it, and without so much as a healthy instructive on how to do so (well, because there isn’t any).
But when we do, something happens to us. We see it in animals that are forced into whatever we deem for them mostly without consent. They get nervous conditions that in human terms would be OCD, depression, or anxiety, and will hurt themselves — and so much so that there are tools sold to people with animals in this distress — not to alleviate the animal’s suffering, but to minimize the damage that happens to what they can only consider their property.
In PEOPLE, this type of living causes psychological fractures and influences how we see themselves, each other, and the world. Once you forgive that about yourself and begin to heal, you will truly see the people around you. They have trouble getting enough oxygen, water, rest, nutrition, trying to find moments for themselves between one emergency and the next… it can be a troubling new dimension of your process that needs care, too.
Free will exists, it’s just f*ckin’ hard. – Dolores Abernathy
EXPAND YOUR KIT Do the work, put in the time, log your hours in the saddle. Write down your triggers. See how far back you can trace the unhappy thread. What can reroute it next time? Notice I did not ask CAN it be rerouted, that answer doesn’t forward our momentum. Use questions that transition you to a better understanding. Most of the time, gold is only found after much unfruitful labor. You have to face a seemingly simple realization that the questions you are asking are actually coming from a place of such incredibly deep bias, many tight blindfolds must be worked loose first, and acknowledged.
Your protocol for something is not as important as whether it works, and that you use it. Track the reasons a process succeeds or falls short. Pay attention. Journal it. Journaling for either a scientist or a game campaign is essential. How many times did you take a shortcut that cost more later and didn’t admit it? A spiral can be slowed easily when you realize things went wrong due to your own faults. Sure, you may still get upset at yourself, but you can transform that into mindfulness, instead of disenfranchising yourself from the universe or your loved ones with drama.
You will know you are on the path when it feels like work! Like a pain in the ass, and hard. The muscle of discipline is built doing difficult things day after day. You can’t buy a bottle or go to a one-weekend seminar. As much as I have looked, this here is the only idiot’s guide to being disabled that I know…
There is a breaking point, which will migrate as you learn, where you max out your learning curve. But also remember that commandment to take yourself off the hook of being perfect, at least for today. When you are most sensitive and triggered is usually when the most helpful information is revealed!! Being honest with yourself is essential. It is the ONLY KEY that unlocks your AGENCY. It can hurt. You must do the uncomfortable, the impossible! something you’ve never done! then do it AGAIN!
It is HARD WORK that CANNOT BE SUBSTITUTED.
IDENTIFY the LOCUS OF AGENCY
What is activating what? at the basest level, there is energy infused into a situation via particle/wave physics, a catalyst. Try putting together some of your most common cause and effect chains, and go as far as you can in either direction, even if one end is always a question mark. This requires strong muscles to be objective, but you must develop them anyway.
Even though there is a risk and tendency for our minds to think in circles we already run, and become confused, but ultimately our muscles allow us to step outside and expand with such a mind as recognizes two equal yet opposite truths: that we are all completely interconnected, and yet none of it is personal.
Feng Shui might be described as such – probably why it helps. Only bring things you LOVE into your personal space, things you have time for, when you can truly give care, care the way THEY need. Nobody gets to argue with a wilted plant! it didn’t get the care it needed. Your dog is too ribby, your child is obese, your chickens won’t lay, your friends and family begin to taper off communication, connection. THINGS NEED CARE regardless of our opinion on the matter.
We all have the same number of hours, so if you’re ragged, time to check on your stitches! Gamers put in more energy, study, and preparation for fun than most do for their real life! In the world of role playing, one navigates an unknown world with unfamiliar attributes and superhuman abilities. As with any new endeavor, one must stay alive while learning simultaneously. Players are encouraged to learn algorithms masked as spells and weapons. Experiences lead to access and resources. Consideration is given to apply appropriate responses, whether in battle or aligning with entities. Can I succeed in this skirmish? Should I use a precious turn to heal my injured self, or assist a comrade in danger… Can I take this hit, and get close enough to vanquish? — CONSEQUENCE COMMITMENT.
Players go through the game knowing their strengths, and approach situations accordingly. They often travel with a diverse group and co-create responses to challenges, going through experiences together which they can sometimes control, sometimes not. Wins often take multiple efforts with skill and grace in equal measure. Not all damage is created equal! Some are bludgeoning, some are poison… but certain types are lessened due to your particular abilities, a special trinket, or a spell. Players are encouraged to be aware of their strengths and weak areas, and quickly jump to see which aspects are available to them from a host of resources!
There are many ways to regain points: resting, spells, potions… This is particularly significant to those of us who are counting days and sometimes mere hours between incidents. Just having one nice day is like a vacation, and we bargain with ourselves from time to time what constitutes our standards of “nice.” When you review your ‘days without incident’ or just realize the grace of the moment, do take the time to breathe and anchor it! Eventually those markers will also find their place in your charts, and reviewing HOW YOU ORCHESTRATED IT is helpful — nay, crucial.
Make no mistake, good days are by design. Great days are usually by happy accidents. Victoria Moran has written many indispensable suggestions on this very subject. A good streak of hours or days are made possible by things partly in and partly out of your control, like rolling a 20 sided dice… but the decisions and actions you choose will set you up for success or failure. I have logged and charted both, watching it unfold in front of me, observing as they happened. There is no hindsight without first creating movement from one point to another; you are creating the metric. Each morning you choose what to take with you and what spells need preparation.
When you pay attention, you begin to notice that messy jam jar you put back in the fridge was the seed that grew into the sticky homework and ruined bag, maybe ending up with having to detail your vehicle. The step you shorted yourself when tossing the garbage bag that landed on something sharp. That lid you just kinda stuck on the bottle that has now fallen over where you couldn’t reach it right off. Preparing for your day means treating your morning ritual as your weaver’s kit, your brain’s way of getting the tools and spells out for use and taking care of other spinning plates ahead of time.
Setting yourself up for success and limiting chances of failure are two sides of a coin that still acquiesce to a little random chance. There came a point where I found myself taking the jar off the shelf beside me BEFORE it fell as I open the door, rolling out from the floor onto each stair and reaching the ground, where the top coming off and spilling the contents. To this day I still remember the feeling of elation from averting the same old pitfalls I had well, fallen into over the years of getting too complacent about myself and my surroundings. It was after much discipline in getting the foundation steady. It hurt when I realized how deep some of the changes went, changes that needed to happen and I had kept putting off.
Yes it was just as painful as I thought. They were only ideas, ones I had made long ago before so much mileage. Didn’t I want to give every chance to my best future? Not just the changes that were easy so I could say I tried? Jedi, will you try, or are you going to get it done? The frame of mind — it’s in the words – will forge your boundaries. You have to break apart some pretty entrenched ideas! Which YOU made over time, and the rest of it. Instead of the old “try, try again” adage, I prefer the new Robbins one of if at first you don’t succeed, “try something else.” Thomas Edison style.
If this is where we wanted to end up, we all did everything perfectly. – Roger Sterling
SOMETIMES YOUR GARMENT NEEDS TO SOAK There are days when each of my planned directions run into pits. Turning to my second and third options sometimes finds them also unavailable for whatever reason. Don’t discount the need to sometimes let fruit ripen. Not doing so is counterproductive, so see to your timing. Learning to do nothing is as important as any other part. We are often our own worst enemy.
TEST PATCHES Under certain safer circumstances, try out your new ideas, and when you’re ready, venture out. In role playing games and life, being against something can be useful, shows boundaries; but what gets the action going is being FOR something, or ABOUT something. For example, my impersonal, non judgemental knowledge on the plight of forests evokes an extreme emotional response when I see a new cut from my local groves. I reviewed my options, Matrix Architect style, and after reveling in how satisfying it would be to somehow make my mark of disapproval on these sites, decided to join the local chapter of Friends of the Trees. Granted, they aren’t as active as I’d like, but at least I can be involved with some like-minded folk.
PROTOCOL EXAMPLES:
MORNING strong blood flow before leaving bed; warm water and lemon juice tonic upon rising; warm ups for muscles, deep breathing, head to toe wake up activity; prepare your action sheet for the day with appropriate goals for your stats; AVOID heavy demands on bodily strength/flexibility, carbs, cold food; do right by the chemistry – to eat or not; daily hygiene, personal care time
EVENING tidy clutter, me-proof whatever I will run into in the dark; balance, guides; hydrating evening fruit, mindful of the chemistry (meaning both ph and glyco-wise); what needs prep for next day? prepare for finding robe and footwear in the dark; AVOID bad news, blue light, diuretics, fizzy drinks/ gulping liquid after 9pm
TRAVEL review mental and emotional protocols, bring items prn (lavender sachet, socks, hoodie); prepare for digestive protocols for each end; map bathrooms; peppermint candy in pocket; assess migraine, tension, other headache triggers and adjust course prn; prepare manual assist devices of hands/ fingers, temperature fluctuations; mentally record exit strategies in case of episode onset
Your friends need what you can be when you are no longer afraid. When you know who you are, why you are, and what you want. When you are not looking for reasons to live, but can simply be. -- Delenn
